jellicleball

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JELLICLE BALL

by Joe Lavelle

    Stanley's roommate got a cat. There had never officially been a "no pets" rule but, all the same, Stanley found it to be a bit jarring when he was greeted by the creature upon returning from work one day.
    "Um, Seth?" Stanley called out. There was no answer. Stanley and the cat stared at each other. After some time Stanley allowed that it would be safe to sit down. Safe. The cat did not advance upon him, yet it did not release him from its piercing gaze.
    RING-RING-RING
    Stanley answered the phone, "Hello?"
    "Stan! Stan, guess what. I got a cat. Isn't it great? I'm at work right now. Don't worry about Gus, I left some food and water out for him."
    "Who's Gus?"
    "Gus is the cat, Stan. Listen, I'm working late tonight but maybe we'll cross paths tomorrow. You guys just take some time to get to know each other. I know you just love him! Isn't this great? I'll talk to you later. Bye!"
    "No, wait! Seth! Seth!" Seth was gone. Stanley hung up the phone. "O.K. now, this doesn't have to be terrible. This could work out fine. Seth and I just have to discuss some rules that's all."
    "Don't worry. Seth and I have already discussed the rules."
    "Excuse me?" Stanley had been lost in his own anxiety. Now, he was shaken back.
    "Yes, I've heard all the rules and I don't expect your rules to be any more acceptable than Seth's rules were." Gus continued. "Yes, you see, if you wanted to set rules you should have gotten a dog, a dim-witted oafish slobber-mouth that you could order about and smack on the nose when he displeased you. As we find ourselves, however, you have gotten a cat and. . ."
    "But I didn't get a cat," Stanley tried to defend himself, "Seth. . ."
    "Nevertheless, you now share a home with a cat and you will conduct yourself accordingly, i.e.: don't interrupt me when I am speaking. That shall be the first rule." Gus was not one to be trifled with. "There are many other rules, you may want to get a pen and take notes."
    Stanley opened the storage doors of the coffee table and removed a notepad and a pen. "Don't interrupt Gus," he recited as he made note.
    "Which brings us to the second rule," continued Gus. "We are not on familiar terms. I do not wish to hear you utter my Christian name. I am too far above you. You are to refer to me as 'O Cat'. As in, 'O Cat, may I please freshen your water bowl?'"
    "O Cat. . ." Stanley wrote down.
    "Nextly, be aware of my CrapBox. If I should shit on the furniture it means that my CrapBox is full and that you are to empty it and prepare it fresh."
    "C-R-A-. . ." wrote Stanley.
    "Also let it be known that as a cat I am all-man. The johnson is fully intact. Don't even dream of snipping it. If you hear me scratching at the door in the middle of the night you are to let me out so I can find myself some poontang, then be ready to let me back in. Although I may be a while- heh, heh, heh."
    All the while taking notes Stanley determined to escape the evil overlord. He would move away to where Cat could never find him, to a new apartment on the other side of the inlet. Cat wouldn't dare try to cross the inlet- cats hate water.
    Stanley one day brought home an Apartment Guide paper but before he could look through it he found it soaked with cat urine. He placed an ad himself, presenting himself as a prospective roommate, but came home to find the tape from his answering machine had been pulled out and chewed to bits.
    Now desiring to avoid all contact with Cat, Stanley had begun crawling in and out of his bedroom window so as not to be seen entering or exiting the house. Tragically, upon crawling into his bedroom window late at night, Stanley slipped and fell on his head broke his neck and died.
    By the time Seth found the body, Gus had already chewed Stanley's eyeballs out of the sockets. "Oh, darn," said Seth, "now I'll have to get a new roommate. And it's so hard to find someone who won't object to a pet! What will I do?"
    Gus looked up at Seth and said, "Meow."